Words Can Hurt Me

When we are young we learn that saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'. Guess what that is not true. Words can hurt you and sometimes that hurt takes time to heal. Now the important thing is to rise above those words and remember they are just words. We live in a time where people purposely try to hurt others with their words and comments. On the internet they are called trolls. In life they can be called bullies and haters. The worst though are those that make comments not even realizing how cruel their words are.

It makes me sad to say that we have been subjected to this experience several times with Johnathan. It never gets easier to hear the things these people say. It makes me sadder to know that many of the worse comments have come from educated people. Sometimes people say things and they hurt but as time passes I forget about them. Then there are the comments that no matter how much time pass I'll remember forever.

The first comment was made shortly after we first found out that Johnathan had autism. I was sharing the news with some family and friends. Most heard the news and not surprisingly didn't have much to say. As we were still processing what this all meant I'm sure those finding out didn't know what to say either. Unfortunately there was one person when hearing the news chose to go into a defensive act approach. This person said the autism must be a genetic thing and wanted to know where these bad genes came from. As parents who just found out their child has autism you go through countless questions if you could have done something differently that might have helped you child sooner. Being 'attacked' by this person who seemed to want to accuse someone was the last thing we needed.  To this day I'm hesitant to talk to this person about things pertaining to Johnathan because it brings back the hurt felt during that initial conversation.

The next comment came while Johnathan was in our school's preschool program. We were at a parent-teacher conference discussing the progress that Johnathan had made in the program. A lot of the work that Johnathan completed in their curriculum involved task work. Johnathan would get a task box from an area and then go to a desk to complete the work. When he was finished he would take the box back to the area to get his next task box. Johnathan enjoyed this curriculum because it followed a constant order than was easy for him to understand. At the conference one of the instructors was telling us about this and how well he did with it. Imagine our surprise and shock when she said 'Johnathan will be a great button pusher in life'. We finished up the meeting and went home with neither Jim or I discussing what was said. Then one night Jim asked, 'Is that all we are hoping for Johnathan to accomplish?' Let me say no at 4 years old we did not feel like Johnathan's role in life was being determined by someone who obviously did not see the wonderfulness our son possesses.

That leads we to another comment that happened when Johnathan was in the preschool program. (Does it surprise anyone that despite the skills he gained in the program I have negative feelings towards it) Anyway we would attend a playgroup that was hosted at the school once a week. This was a great opportunity for Johnathan and Charles to socialize with other children of various ages. This could be an overwhelming activity at times for Johnathan so I always did my best to stay near him. One day Johnathan got overstimulated and I wasn't by him so he grabbed hold of another mother at the group to get his squeeze sensory fulfillment. It was a minor event that I didn't think too much about. That was until I was called into the office of the organizers of the program the next day. They felt that Johnathan's behavior was 'inappropriate' and felt that if the behavior continued it could cause problems. I explained I was sorry and would be a little more observant in the future to hopeful prevent it from happening again. I explained I felt the playgroups were very beneficial to Charles (and Johnathan). I'm said to say her response was "well could you just leave Johnathan home and just bring Charles?" Just let me say I lost almost all respect for that woman that day and to this day when I see her I still get a bit angry that she had the nerve to say something like that.         

Like I said most of these comments happened early in Johnathan's life and we have been blessed to not deal with much of that ignorance anymore. Yes people make comments that still get under my skin, people say things that are offensive, and people in our lives still do stuff that is annoying. The nice thing is that I have learned from the past and not let things cloud my picture of who Johnathan really is. Those three comments made me a better parent to my son. The ignorance of the first person reminds me it doesn't matter what causes Johnathan's autism because his autism is not what defines him. The second person ensured that we always let Johnathan know he can be whatever he wants to be and we'll support him as he figures it out.

As for the last person I think that comment impacted our lives the most. See I was not going to let anyone tell me to leave my child at home. Since he was little I have always made sure Johnathan has gone to many different places and done many different things. That is how he learns to deal with different social situations and interactions with many different people. I don't want to ever give him the idea that he can't go somewhere because he has autism. We have dined in fancy restaurants, attended events throughout the state and others, and driven in a car for over 13 hours with few stops along the way. Yes sometimes Johnathan gets overwhelmed, sometimes we've had to plan ahead, and sometimes we've had to postpone an activity until we think Johnathan is ready for it. Let me tell you want we've never done - left Johnathan at home because someone told us it was for the best.