Not For The Faint Hearted

Living the life of an Autism Mom is not always easy. Today I thought I would share with you some of the scariest moments I've had being a mom to a son with Autism. I don't share these to make you feel sorry for us. I share them because it's part of our reality and I've chosen to share as much of the reality as I can.  Now one of the characteristics that is common with autism is they are a flight risk. As a parent of a child with autism we are often faced with the fear of what can happen if Johnathan has an impulse to run. While we haven't had many experiences with this the ones we have can really bring on a hyper awareness of the what ifs.

The first instance happened in April 2010 when Johnathan was 2 years old. We had gone shopping at a local grocery store and was getting ready to get in the car. I was opening the door for Johnathan to get in the car when he suddenly turned and ran. He was little and hadn't really mastered running yet luckily. I only had to take about 3 steps before I caught his arm as he was just pass the end of the car. A second later a car went rushing by inches away from Johnathan. I grabbed him up and held him tight with tears in my eyes. I remember telling him he should never run in a parking lot. After that we always made sure he was holing Jim or my hand anytime we were in a parking lot. Even to this day he still usually holds a hand or our arm when walking in a parking lot.

The next instance happened when Johnathan was a little while later and again taught us a valuable lesson. All our doors had the white capped child safety door handles. Johnathan was always too smart for his own good and he had figured out how to stick his fingers in the sides to be able to open the door. This came all to real one day when I was home with just the boys. The boys were playing in the living room and I got up to go in the other room. As I walked back out, here I see Johnathan coming in the front door with a lady I didn't know. It seems Johnathan waited for me to leave the room, got up, and snuck out the front door. He ran out to the road and sat down. The lady had stopped and followed him as he ran back to the house. Thankfully Johnathan was not hurt and we learned a huge lesson that it only takes a minute for things to happen. That was the night that we installed chain locks on all the doors in the house.

Do you ever have that moment of terror when you turn around and your child is gone? I will never forget when that happened to us with Johnathan. Our family is very active in the local fair and spend many hours at the fairgrounds in our town. Johnathan has gotten so use to being there sometimes he gets way too comfortable. Two times we've had that moment of pure terror as we turned around and Johnathan was gone.
The first one happened when Jim & I decided to take the boys to an event at the grandstands. We were at different spots on the fairgrounds and we agreed to meet at the grandstands. When we arrived we both looked at each other and said 'Where's Johnathan?' It seemed with both thought the other had taken Johnathan with them. We immediately spread out in search of him making the office (where my sister was) aware we had a missing child on the grounds. I rushed back to the last place we remembered Johnathan being: My mom's vendor booth at the exhibit hall. No Johnathan! My mom joined the search and we were off again looking. I headed out one door as she headed out the other. I walked down by the carnival rides (because the boys had gone on some earlier) thinking maybe he would be out watching them going. I happened to glance at one of the rides and there was Johnathan. To this day I don't know how he managed to get on that ride since he didn't have a ticket. I was just so relieved to find him I didn't ask.       

The second time he wasn't gone as long but still was just as scary. We were working at a food stand at the fairgrounds. The boys had been sitting hanging out one minute then I glanced over again and there was just Charles sitting by himself. Once again we went into the panic of trying to figure out where Johnathan was. We all spread out and searched the surrounding area. Moments later we found him in the beer garden that was across from us. There was a jukebox in there and Johnathan had heard the music and ran inside to listen to it.

Since that time Jim and me usually 'divide and conquer' with the boys. Any time we go somewhere we take a boy that we are suppose to keep track of. With two boys that are very different and like to do there own thing it makes it easier if we know who is following who. Like I said Johnathan doesn't usually take off on us but we also know that he could at any time. It's better to be prepared than take the chance.

The time that Johnathan scared me the most though happened right beside me and I never felt so helpless. It happened on Black Friday in 2017. We were shopping at Menards and as you can guess it was pretty crazy in there. The boys and I were standing at the front of the store waiting for Jim who had gone to grab a few more things. I ran into my best friend and we started talking. All of a sudden I felt Johnathan kind of fall back against me. I went to push him back up but his body was kind of limb. I turned him towards me and his eyes were kind of rolling back in his head. I laid him down to the ground with the assistance of my friend and a few people stopped to see if they could help. The whole experience still comes to me in choppy memories as I think I was in a bit of a shock. The main thing I remember is people asking Johnathan a million questions and my constant answering 'He's non-verbal'. No one knew what was going on and though Johnathan seemed to be back to normal everyone wanted to be sure. An ambulance was called and I watched Johnathan be loaded onto a gurney and wheeled out to a waiting ambulance. I got in with them and we headed to the local hospital. They tried to get some vitals and blood drawn but Johnathan was less then agreeable. We arrived at the hospital and were put into a room to wait for a doctor to come. Once he got settled into the room I stood talking to Johnathan stroking his hair and he fell asleep. Jim arrived and then my mom came to get Charles as we waited for some answers. In the end the diagnosis was acute bronchitis and we were sent home with the directions to have him rest. The more important thing was that there was nothing they were really concerned about.

Since that time we have worked on Johnathan being able to answer questions when he is asked. Thanks to the help of his teachers Johnathan is able to give his name, address, and phone number now. He can also tell you what his parents names are. I'm thankful he can do this but still worry that a person will ask questions too quickly and Johnathan won't be able to share the important information that he does know.
 
I want to believe that as Johnathan gets older that flight instinct will all but disappear but there are no promises. I live with the worry that I could turn around some time and he'll be gone. I worry about the dangers that are out there that he is oblivious to. We don't live in fear of what ifs because that's not the way to live our lives. We also don't forget that there is always the chance of something happening. Sharing the highs and accomplishments in Johnathan's life will always one of my favorite things to do. I know that our life is also filled with those scary moments and failures that we strive to get through also. Sharing this part of us with others can be scary but we must acknowledge that it is part of the journey. 

Thank you for all of you that have been a part of our journey or taken time to read about our journey. Your support, kind words, and presence in our lives does help us through those tougher days.

Want to hear more on the things a parent has to think about when their child might flee? Here's an article a fellow autism family wrote that captures their perspective on dealing with a child that is a flight risk.     https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/autism-flight-risk-and-keeping-your-child-safe-0417124