October is National Pregnancy Loss Awareness month. This includes loss during and after pregnancy, stillbirth, miscarriage, neonatal death and SIDS. Way too many people experience loss and often it's considered taboo to talk about it. It's time to break that belief and encourage woman (and men) to sure their experiences. Therefore I will share mine because my experiences are a part of me and deserve to be shared and not hidden within those that experience the loss or losses.
Yesterday our first born son turned 13 years old. It seems impossible that so much time has passed since that day. Our journey to being parents started long before that day though. It all started all the way back into October 2005 we made the decision to begin trying to get pregnant. We had been told that there was no set time when we would get pregnant. As each month passed we didn't get discouraged as we were sure our time would come soon enough. Then April 2006 I took a pregnancy test because I had a feeling something was different. Imagine the excitement when the test was positive. It was right before Easter so I knew I wanted to surprise Jim with the announcement. I woke up early Easter morning and set up a stuffed Easter bunny up with a sign 'You're Going To Be A Daddy.' He was excited to though he refused to believe it until I took another pregnancy test. (sidenote: We had to drive around for more than an hour to find a pharmacy that was open to get a test). Our excitement only lasted a day before I began bleeding and experienced a miscarriage. It was such a hard experience going from such a great high to a great low in such a quick time. We were not discouraged though because I was only 5 weeks along and I soon learned that miscarriages like this are common around 4-5 weeks. Most woman never realize they were pregnant and just assume their period came late. I met with my general physician to discuss the loss and ask for advice on how to move forward. My doctor recommended to wait at least one month before trying again (to give my body time to return to normal) and suggested getting a OB/GYN doctor who could better advise our future pregnancy journey.
Mid-June 2006 I once again was having some telltale signs and to no surprise I had another positive pregnancy test. Having learned from our previous experience we were a little more subdued with our excitement. I scheduled an appointment with my new OB/GYN and was informed that yes we were going to be parents. We waited until mid July before we began to share our news with family and it was great to start buying maternity items. Then early August Jim & I headed to a doctor appt with one of our doctors. The doctor was excited for let us hear our babies heartbeat for the first time. It wasn't meant to be though as we learned that our baby had no heartbreak and an ultrasound showed that our fetus had stopped developing around 6 weeks. One week later we headed to the hospital to have a D & C performed to remove tissue that would not pass on its own. For those who have asked what this experience was like I can only explain it as ' the worst feeling of emptiness I ever felt'. This loss was much harder as I was 13 weeks at the time and many more people knew that we had been expecting. It is so hard to have to repeatedly explain to people that we had lost the baby. Once again we were encouraged to wait a bit before trying to get pregnant again. Due to the need of the surgery the recovery time of the body was longer and the emotional toll was harder also.
By Thanksgiving that year we were still sharing the news of the loss to those that hadn't heard the news. What no one else knew was that once again I was pregnant. It was the weirdest experience to be sharing the news of a baby we had lost knowing that we had another on the way. Once again though it was not meant to be as I experienced another miscarriage the first week of December. That was one of the hardest holiday seasons for us and we were certainly feeling discouraged.
Our doctor decided it was time to start looking into possible causes of the miscarriages. Since we had no problems getting pregnant he wanted to look closer at possible genetic issues. Both Jim and I went through genetic testing and waited for the results. We didn't have to wait long though as we were informed that all test came back normal. We scheduled another appointment to discuss what our next step would be. Imagine the doctor and my surprise that at that next appointment I was pregnant again. Now here it is years later and that baby I was pregnant with just turned 13. 😊
I would love to say that once we had our first baby carried to term we never had to face the sadness or worries again. Unfortunately that is not true - almost 3 years later we were trying to conceive again. We were so excited when we finally got a positive pregnancy test. I scheduled an appt with my doctor to confirm the pregnancy and have my yearly appt. Two days later while subbing I noticed some usual cramping and a bit of spotting. Knowing my past I called my doctor that afternoon to tell them what was going on. Since the cramping and spotting had subsided they told me to take it easy for a few days and call if any symptoms worsened or new ones appeared. I awoke the next day and I was spotting again and this time it was more reddish so I called the doctor. They scheduled an appointment for that afternoon and I was feeling very discouraged as I feared another miscarriage.
When I arrived for the appointment I was immediately taken to the ultrasound room instead of an exam room. This made me even more nervous and I wished I had brought someone with me for support. The doctor and a nurse came in and they began the ultrasound. I remember staring at the screen hoping for some signs of encouragement but nothing was registering. The doctor switched to a new screen layout and asked me to look at the screen. Then he pointed to it and said 'do you see this? That's your baby's heartbeat." Not going to lie I immediately began to tear up in pure happiness to hear my baby was still okay and had a strong heartbeat. The doctor advised me that the spotting was due to the placenta position which was causing some irritation. I was told to take it easy for a few weeks (I was about 8 weeks at that point) and they would monitor me to ensure no further issues would arise. I was also told that if the placenta's position became problematic I may have to go on bedrest. I'm happy to say the issue resolved itself and the rest of the pregnancy went smoothly. Once again we were blessed with become a parent to another little boy.
Some may wonder why I share these stories. Some may feel that this is TMI and has no place out there. And there are those that think all this stuff is taboo and should not be shared. To those that say that let me say this:
- I tell my story because it's a part of my journey.
- I tell my story because when I felt no one else knew what I was feeling I learned there were others close to me that had shared similar experiences and never said anything. Having someone that knew what I was going through, knew that a loss doesn't have to control you, and knew that there was hope could make a huge difference.
- I tell my story because it matters to me and I want others to know that if they need to talk I'm there for them.
- I tell my story because I survived it with new understanding, insight, and belief that I can help others.
Our family was blessed with two amazing boys that we treasure. Still our family was also shown that not every story can be a happy ending. Every October I think about our babies that we never got to meet. I think of friends and family that have faced their own pregnancy losses. Some went through surgeries, fertility treatments, and various testing just to have a chance to have a baby. Some lost their babies early in the pregnancy like we did. Some carried their babies for months but then their babies were called home before they could make their earthly arrival. Some carried full term but due to complications never got to bring their babies home. And yes some even delivered their sweet babies and took them home only to lose them a short time later.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Thank you for taking the time to understand that just because some feel things should be considered taboo doesn't mean it has to be. If you have a story, share it. If you have a heart, open it up to others that could use your support. If you have a child, hold them a little tighter because they are a blessing bestowed on you.
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